silly girl

i got a little jealous. i just know how awesome he is and how easy it would be for someone else to see it too. it was probably so unimportant it didnt deserve mentioning, and its so stupid that i got upset when i found out it wasnt mentioned. i dont want to let go. and i'm fighting my need for space because theres so much world. my constant is missing, and my house is shaking, but it will settle better right?

fuckinA

so i talked to my mom today
and she said to chill
wait on it
because i dont have to make a decision until april
im just worried about this upcoming weekend
because im worried he will feel rejected and unloved if he makes an effort and i dont accept it
because physicality for us has always been another way of expressing feeling
but if i know that then why is the abstention necessary

do you even want me to be there
cause i feel like your life is fine without me
and it kills me

i want to say that if i move to boston i need a chance
not 'stay with me forever,' not re-'fall in love with me'
just a chance

I wish youd give me an indicator.

"it's about making either the best or worst decision of your life. it could be the biggest mistake you'll ever make because you're without enough information to go on"

i think the only reason it wouldn't be possible to repair is if you don't believe its possible

love is important.

missing

everything happens for a reason, but there are also reasons to make things happen.
if you believe that its right then you will find your soul.

i believe it with all my heart and soul and breath and life.

because there aren't words for feelings
feelings just exist.

two years

A friend who is far away is sometimes much nearer than one who is at hand. Is not the mountain far more awe-inspiring and more clearly visible to one passing through the valley than to those who inhabit the mountain?

Much of your pain is the bitter potion by which the physician within you heals your sick self.

Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding.

If the other person injures you, you may forget the injury; but if you injure him you will always remember. - KG


you're pretty awesome, and for some reason I really felt the need to tell you just now.

the end of the weekend, anthony hecht

A dying firelight slides along the quirt
Of the cast iron cowboy where he leans
Against my father's books. The lariat
Whirls into darkness. My girl in skin tight jeans
Fingers a page of Captain Marriat
Inviting insolent shadows to her shirt.

We rise together to the second floor.
Outside, across the lake, an endless wind
Whips against the headstones of the dead and wails
In the trees for all who have and have not sinned.
She rubs against me and I feel her nails.
Although we are alone, I lock the door.

The eventual shapes of all our formless prayers:
This dark, this cabin of loose imaginings,
Wind, lip, lake, everything awaits
The slow unloosening of her underthings
And then the noise. Something is dropped. It grates
against the attic beams. I climb the stairs
Armed with a belt.

A long magnesium shaft
Of moonlight from the dormer cuts a path
Among the shattered skeletons of mice.
A great black presence beats its wings in wrath.
Above the boneyard burn its golden eyes.
Some small grey fur is pulsing in its grip.

because it'll make it harder for both of you to objectively view the situation. it'll make it easier for him to NOT commit to you and continue to leave everything terrifyingly ambiguous. it'll break your heart further when he doesn't want to have a relationship right afterwards, and it will make you question your reason for being in boston in the first place

well fuck if i know how and why this will make it better

These cucumber eyes

Where are we?
What the hell is going on?
The dust has only
Just begun to fall
Crop circles in the carpet
Sinking feeling

Spin me 'round again
And rub my eyes
This can't be happening
When busy streets a mess with people
Would stop to hold their heads heavy

Hide and seek
Trains and sewing machines
All those years
They were here first

Oily marks appear on walls
Where pleasure moments hung before
The takeover
The sweeping insensitivity
Of this
Still life

Hide and seek
Trains and sewing machines
(Oh you won't catch me around here)
Blood and tears
They were here first

Mm what d'ya say?
That you only meant well, well, of course you did
This, it's all for the best, of course it is
That it's just what we need, you decided this
What did you say?

Ransom notes keep falling out your mouth
Mid-sweet talk newspaper word cut outs
Speak no feeling, no, I don't believe you
You don't care a bit

not perfect but passable

there is no "we" anymore, and i just can't fathom it. and i know things have happened before that i never thought possible, but this one baffles me. i finally find something worthwhile and i deny its beauty, its perfection for nothing. and thats the thing with worthwhile healthy people, when someone hurts them in a way they feel is irreparable, they leave the hurt behind and move on to what they beleive will be a better life. i don't feel that way. i know thats how it works and that it always works, life goes on. but i don't want it to. i want it to stop right here until i can reverse the damage i've done. but worthwhile poeple have a normal sense of self-worth, and i need to get that through my head i guess. so i dwell, i think on the impossible and the improbable. he's doing whats right for his life, hes happy, where he wants to be, doing what he loves. i miss him way more than he misses me, and i cant keep expecting him to feel the same way he used to. he keeps telling me that i'll be happy anywhere, anyway, if i let myself...and i get that, but i don't really, wholly, truly believe it. because wherever i am now could never be perfect, only passable.

today is another day

you have to take things as they come right? no use worrying about what you can't control, what you can't do anything about.

today is another day
today is a new day

Theres no restart button

I worry I'm not good enough. That I never will be. Some part of me deep down feels like I'll fail. I know that uncertainty is part of the greater ill, but I'm so uncertain I'm frozen. I want reassurance, guidance, but I feel like I don't have the right to ask. Don't deserve it. And somehow thats how I'm supposed to feel? I wish I could hope the way I used to. Not be afraid of saying what I think, how I feel. I'm not supposed to, but things don't just go away. Theres no restart button.

...and i miss you