asdf

i can't give you psychobabble to tell you how to change your chemistry.

two weeks

am i caught?
is it flush?
ought i not?
crushed.

When you kissed my lips with my mouth so full of questions
It's my worried mind that you quiet
Place your hands on my face
Close my eyes and say
Love is a poor man's food

I close my eyes and fly out of my mind...

I wake to nothing, knowing I am not alone.

and i can watch you from the frosty pane and know you're already as far as you'll ever be
but maybe, love, this winter won't drag on as always
maybe snow is just as indicative as flowers
granola.
tingles.
chicken fingers.
grit.
reality.

it wells up beyond my control.

Come on skinny love just last the year...

in between the ins and outs and drafts and chills and roundabout we go -- inside this reverie, this snowglobe of a world within a transparent sphere of moonlit dreams, we churn and flame until again we're put to rest by hastening days -- and just as snowdrops pierce the crust, twenty five miles? or two hundred sixty three? it matters not. only the spring.

i'm a furnace for your winter.
and i hope its powerful enough.
because for me its overwhelming.

And its a winter wonderland, but my wonder's gone missing...
...we'll have to muddle through somehow.

Winter break was eyeopening and Orpheus is going to be amazing.
That.
Is.
All.

Your heartbeat's tattoo is branded on my skull and crossbones. Collar blade and sharp of shoulder. The elegance of kisses lingering. Shimmering air. The silence and vibration. Our harmony. Life.

metallic grape collides with black cherry
plastic powder metal snow
wind is whipping but i'm safe
i'm so glad you're home

unfinished.

reasons explanations
how why
love.

Charlotte and Harriet

Requiem æternam dona eis, Domine,

et lux perpetua luceat eis.

I'm sailing into you. And if I can hold back the tides we will clear the breakwater and slice the green-blue deep into oblivion. Endless and deep and wonderfully mystical.

The ice can't reach the hull, because our fire has stopped it at the fjord.







This pace of this week... is glacial.

bonjour mon bien-aimé,
The ribbons of our lives are woven now.
You've got me in your braid.
I want to be with you tonight.

emotional or intellectual energy or intensity, esp. as revealed in a work of art or artistic performance; the immaterial part of a human being



and all i want is to rock your soul

shitty.
i hate you lancelot.




24 hours.

and i will sink my teeth in and hold on for dear life, that way the icebergs can't reach our warmth.
our tidal wave has gravity beyond imagining, so hold me close and my cave will let us weather the storm.

shed our skin lt the sun shine in

Sometimes its funny how decisions are made for you. There's no way you can choose everything in life, some things come out to fate. Or rather just the way things are supposed to be.

[I was surprised, before I knew it I was back where I was.]

bella voce

the instability means its growing, changing, broadening
unlearning and learning and relearning
its scary to feel like its not in control
can't hear the pitch as well, can't feel the bells as well

but its selfish not to let it go

Poe

Deep into the darkness peering,
Long I stood there, wond'ring, fearing,
Doubting -- dreaming dreams no mortal ever dared to dream before...

hot dogs = eternal glory
cheese sandwiches = rare delicacy


snow = blank canvas

snow! winter excites me beyond belief. sledding and hot chocolate and icicles and scarves and snowballfights and reading by the fire and you.

its your gravity that makes me tremble
the abstraction that compels dispersed matter to coalesce
the magnetic power of your grazing grasp
soon the things you live will ignite

or let me sail away

I'm ready and I will traverse the fields of fire to get to you. The sun is fading and I will keep you warm if you let me.

my sunshine in the morning
my fireworks at the end of the day
the warmest chord I ever heard
Play that warm chord, play and stay

I want to make you feel free

Oblique

That's what happened to our relationship. One voice moved and the other remained stationary. Its a beautiful think in tonal music, but it wasn't in a liaison such as ours. Its not reality. And I'm glad this is.

solid. very solid. and who am i to complain?

hell week, but by friday night I will be able to sit with a mug of hot chocolate and let the world go by.

Ray

just think if we build on this trust that we have for one another ... maybe its the last thing you want to hear, who am i to play god

this isn't an invention of the mind that tempts me with such happiness, so let me speak my peace...

its good to be here.
feels like home, cozy and familiar.
but the odd bit is its new and exciting at the same time.
gliding. sparkling. shining in the darkness.

if we were standing close like this would people think we were lesbians? maybe...

eight

i wish i had Them... the Words, you know.

thinking of you. holding your hand, Fingers interlaced. internalizing every Moment, a clip to be replayed. not agonizing, merely acknowledging. kindness is the air of the hour. i am still in Awe.

letting in whatever comes along is the most vulnerable thing, the most Valuable thing. only i Know i am not the only one. Vulnerable... the most difficult thing i have ever attempted to be. everything about it is Terrifying. you know that though; you get me.

our Rhythm is perfect. unchanging, ever Changed.

i need the warmth and safety of your reverie.

so i need you a little bit. and that is freaky. in a good way like ghosties and spooks. its Halloween soon :)

no matter where i am, you bring me home.

i don't like being consistently reminded of mistakes i've made.
not what friends are supposed to do.

diplomatic is the air of the hour. could you please leave me a foot of space? not that i need it, i'll let you walk on me as much as you want as long as you don't mind me walking on your articles. call me back later? not that i really wanted to talk anyway. definitely not next year. conclusion: i still expect too much for most people.

as
dig
trees
returns
christopher
believability
hyperexcitability
dendrochronological

exhausted but ecstatic is the essence of the evening

monday.

Enthralled by life, I am consistently stumbling forward. Missing things, forgetting things, perpetuating my eternal existence as a misanthrope. And then I fall. Crashing clumsily into what I had visions of as a train wreck but is in actuality a light in the dark. Playfully wandering over sundrenched and broken concrete blocks, I am full of wonder. I have no idea where I will be, where anything will lie, or what the world will look like, but that pinpoint will be the passing of discord into concord amidst the changing harmony.

In pursuit of the faeries…

Compassion that you feel you deserve, unremittingly intolerant though you are yourself, will never be imminent. Unifying is no longer possible in such a ruinous state of affairs. Nothing makes me happier than to have a definite extinction of that air. Tonight you will not disrupt the order, you will not upset the balance, you will not challenge the orderly progression, you will not interfere in my reality, and you will not dislocate my power. You are one. I am unshackled. I am a liberated woman. I am capable and intend to move forward.

here i sit. imagination failing to let me linger where reality lies. blood like fire flares where mere rosiness was a moment before. fast forward a fortnight and it will all be just passed, but we know a lot can change in such a span. skin is the essence and intimacy is mathematical. i believe in numbers.

sparkles

i'm so sequined i'm an 80's prom dress

NB

i have goals for this year. and i think i'm doing a decent job at keeping those in sight, but time is so surreal for me right now. thursday is friday and friday is sunday and sunday is saturday. and i know why but i have no idea why.
we were driving back from tomo, the sushi bar, and there was a girl in the road. standing there, smiling, trying to get into our car. we drove away, but i wonder what she did. or what she was doing. obviously disoriented, but so am i and i'm definitely not standing in the pouring rain asking for help from perfect strangers.
and the funny thing is i'm jealous. thats silly.
i don't know where i stand, other than the fact that i'd prefer not to be smushed by a tree tonight. and in lieu of the gale force winds i would just prefer a healthy thunderstorm.
i love my friends, and i honestly love where i am at the moment
i'll let you know once i figure out where that is

and end scene.

he's my favorite

Life has taught us that love does not consist in gazing at each other, but in looking outward together in the same direction.

If I were to command a general to turn into a seagull, and if the general did not obey, that would not be the general's fault. It would be mine.

It is only with one's heart that one can see clearly. What is essential is invisible to the eye.

Any transition serious enough to alter your definition of self will require not just small adjustments in your way of living and thinking but a full-on metamorphosis.

Mmm whatcha say

ransom notes keep falling out your mouth

i'm scared again.
i was expecting a release.
and i'm more scared and confused than ever.

i wish you could give me an indicator.

i got in. i got in.

smile

There is always some madness in love. But there is also always some reason in madness.

The miserable have no other medicine, but only hope.

what am i going to do if i don't get into boston?













i'm afraid.

Lying in your arms
So close together
Didn't know just what I had
Now I toss and turn
Cause I'm without you
Drive myself crazy
Thinking of you
Made a mistake
Lonely got myself to blame
Why didn't I know it
Why couldn't show it
When I had the chance

seriously.

I have yet to understand why she needs to be this way. Why she feels the need to tell me who people are like highschool was some secret society every time she sees someone she knew back then. Why no matter what the actual truth is she can twist it any way she wants to make herself look better without consequence or regard for my feelings. And how she can wear my clothes and stretch them out and then when i ask her nicely to not wear them again, get mad at me for not letting her take enough time for herself. Ridiculous. Always the victim, never responsible. I cannot live here this summer.

Waiting for the spark 'till the sun turns black

The world interests me.
I hate it mostly, but its the journey right? I'm excited for two weeks from today. Hopefully. I don't want it to be weird, and I don't know why it would be. I just hope beyond hope for all things to work out.

In the most unselfish way possible of course. :)

oh this is embarassing i'm such a ball bag

ho chi minh is a city... in vietnam

i was a bedwetter

duckface

that black lady, she so black

its so sad

what is this salty discharge

im wearing a headband, how interesting

its so sad

so Boston

was good. good auditions, good people. nice all around.

i lie awake...

i sit here and wonder what i'm doing
i'm awake at 4:59AM
i'm looking through old pictures
reminiscing
missing
you

silly girl

i got a little jealous. i just know how awesome he is and how easy it would be for someone else to see it too. it was probably so unimportant it didnt deserve mentioning, and its so stupid that i got upset when i found out it wasnt mentioned. i dont want to let go. and i'm fighting my need for space because theres so much world. my constant is missing, and my house is shaking, but it will settle better right?

fuckinA

so i talked to my mom today
and she said to chill
wait on it
because i dont have to make a decision until april
im just worried about this upcoming weekend
because im worried he will feel rejected and unloved if he makes an effort and i dont accept it
because physicality for us has always been another way of expressing feeling
but if i know that then why is the abstention necessary

do you even want me to be there
cause i feel like your life is fine without me
and it kills me

i want to say that if i move to boston i need a chance
not 'stay with me forever,' not re-'fall in love with me'
just a chance

I wish youd give me an indicator.

"it's about making either the best or worst decision of your life. it could be the biggest mistake you'll ever make because you're without enough information to go on"

i think the only reason it wouldn't be possible to repair is if you don't believe its possible

love is important.

missing

everything happens for a reason, but there are also reasons to make things happen.
if you believe that its right then you will find your soul.

i believe it with all my heart and soul and breath and life.

because there aren't words for feelings
feelings just exist.

two years

A friend who is far away is sometimes much nearer than one who is at hand. Is not the mountain far more awe-inspiring and more clearly visible to one passing through the valley than to those who inhabit the mountain?

Much of your pain is the bitter potion by which the physician within you heals your sick self.

Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding.

If the other person injures you, you may forget the injury; but if you injure him you will always remember. - KG


you're pretty awesome, and for some reason I really felt the need to tell you just now.

the end of the weekend, anthony hecht

A dying firelight slides along the quirt
Of the cast iron cowboy where he leans
Against my father's books. The lariat
Whirls into darkness. My girl in skin tight jeans
Fingers a page of Captain Marriat
Inviting insolent shadows to her shirt.

We rise together to the second floor.
Outside, across the lake, an endless wind
Whips against the headstones of the dead and wails
In the trees for all who have and have not sinned.
She rubs against me and I feel her nails.
Although we are alone, I lock the door.

The eventual shapes of all our formless prayers:
This dark, this cabin of loose imaginings,
Wind, lip, lake, everything awaits
The slow unloosening of her underthings
And then the noise. Something is dropped. It grates
against the attic beams. I climb the stairs
Armed with a belt.

A long magnesium shaft
Of moonlight from the dormer cuts a path
Among the shattered skeletons of mice.
A great black presence beats its wings in wrath.
Above the boneyard burn its golden eyes.
Some small grey fur is pulsing in its grip.

because it'll make it harder for both of you to objectively view the situation. it'll make it easier for him to NOT commit to you and continue to leave everything terrifyingly ambiguous. it'll break your heart further when he doesn't want to have a relationship right afterwards, and it will make you question your reason for being in boston in the first place

well fuck if i know how and why this will make it better

These cucumber eyes

Where are we?
What the hell is going on?
The dust has only
Just begun to fall
Crop circles in the carpet
Sinking feeling

Spin me 'round again
And rub my eyes
This can't be happening
When busy streets a mess with people
Would stop to hold their heads heavy

Hide and seek
Trains and sewing machines
All those years
They were here first

Oily marks appear on walls
Where pleasure moments hung before
The takeover
The sweeping insensitivity
Of this
Still life

Hide and seek
Trains and sewing machines
(Oh you won't catch me around here)
Blood and tears
They were here first

Mm what d'ya say?
That you only meant well, well, of course you did
This, it's all for the best, of course it is
That it's just what we need, you decided this
What did you say?

Ransom notes keep falling out your mouth
Mid-sweet talk newspaper word cut outs
Speak no feeling, no, I don't believe you
You don't care a bit

not perfect but passable

there is no "we" anymore, and i just can't fathom it. and i know things have happened before that i never thought possible, but this one baffles me. i finally find something worthwhile and i deny its beauty, its perfection for nothing. and thats the thing with worthwhile healthy people, when someone hurts them in a way they feel is irreparable, they leave the hurt behind and move on to what they beleive will be a better life. i don't feel that way. i know thats how it works and that it always works, life goes on. but i don't want it to. i want it to stop right here until i can reverse the damage i've done. but worthwhile poeple have a normal sense of self-worth, and i need to get that through my head i guess. so i dwell, i think on the impossible and the improbable. he's doing whats right for his life, hes happy, where he wants to be, doing what he loves. i miss him way more than he misses me, and i cant keep expecting him to feel the same way he used to. he keeps telling me that i'll be happy anywhere, anyway, if i let myself...and i get that, but i don't really, wholly, truly believe it. because wherever i am now could never be perfect, only passable.

today is another day

you have to take things as they come right? no use worrying about what you can't control, what you can't do anything about.

today is another day
today is a new day

Theres no restart button

I worry I'm not good enough. That I never will be. Some part of me deep down feels like I'll fail. I know that uncertainty is part of the greater ill, but I'm so uncertain I'm frozen. I want reassurance, guidance, but I feel like I don't have the right to ask. Don't deserve it. And somehow thats how I'm supposed to feel? I wish I could hope the way I used to. Not be afraid of saying what I think, how I feel. I'm not supposed to, but things don't just go away. Theres no restart button.

...and i miss you

there are never enough lyrics to say what i mean

It was so easy
We were so young
Its only natural to come undone
At the end of this evening before the rise of the sun

If this is the end
I dont wanna go home
This time